November 25, 2014, it would be a
day I would not forget, for it is when I experienced how earth fell upon my
shoulders, as I walk my way to his remains, I couldn't speak a word, I could
not let out any emotion, then my brother told me what happened, how he lost his
battle for his life against the comatose state that the traitor stroke has
caused him.
They left me for a moment, inside
a small, white room with his dead body covered in white cloth. As I felt his
warm body with my own hands, I fell apart, I gave into despair and it burst out
uncontrollably. I hate it so much, I hate it that I know I’m crying not out of
sadness, but of pure regret. I regret everything, I regret that I didn't get to
spend the rest of his days properly. I regret that despite knowing we already
feel no remorse against each other, pride has prevented us to show how we truly
feel for each other, how much I wanted to give him back the good life he once
had, how I wanted to be the good son to him, how I badly wanted to brag about
my achievements and spill my sorrows and disappointments.. I hate myself for
being unable to let him know how much I truly love him as my father, how
thankful I was for everything that he has taught me, for my precious talent
that I got from him, if not for it I won’t get to where I am now.
He has so much plans for us, and
I feel so bad that we we’re unable to make it happen together, that we won’t
get to experience it anymore with him.
Maybe this time, I could already
tell myself that I've lived long enough. As the time has already come for me to
experience the decease of someone close and important to me and to my family.
This is inevitable. No one knows
why it would happen at a certain time. And at such moments, nothing’s more
invaluable than the love, support and concerns that we received from our
families and friends. It helps us heal and accept reality, for that I will
always be grateful.
To my beloved father, we know
you’re already at peace with the Lord. May you keep on watching over us through
the years. I love you.
