Thursday, March 5, 2015

Inevitable Loop



Attraction is never a choice; we don’t always get to choose who we love. There is never a time or place for love; we might fall in love with the most unexpected person, at the most unexpected time. Poets may say that it occurs accidentally, in a heartbeat, in a single flashing, throbbing moment, with no explanation, without definite reason – This is how exactly I could define my experience just few months ago. There’s this woman; young enough to be considered as my little sister, but in anyway we never felt that gap; and beautiful enough to make feel awkward being with, but somehow when we’re together I don’t feel ugly. There’s just something about her that makes me happy and sad at the same time, she can make or ruin my day, and she is giving me butterflies and headaches for the same reason. Obviously, I got smitten badly and I can’t deny it.

I am not stupid to assume; I am just being brave enough to risk and break my own heart.  Because sometimes we need to fall before we fly, and sometimes to really live, we've got to try. We can always find reasons to work things out. In the end, maybe we’re going to find, if what we feel in our hearts is real and mutual the whole time. We should try to open up our eyes, and hope to find who we are, and how worst or best we can be, with someone we dear. We probably won't end up together, I know that, no one could certainly say.  But why not live like we're forever? Cherish and be happy for every moment that we’re given to share and keep. Memories live within our very soul; good memories often stay in our hearts and make us think better of the future. We may part, but I wanna be that someone to cross her mind and leave a smile on her lips after.

Some of us were afraid to entertain our heart’s desires. Because there could be a lot of “what if’s” and “but’s” to cross our mind. Our own or the other’s past experiences, heart breaks, fears, and personal concerns. People always have something to say. Yet there are things we don’t need to understand, we can’t always try to change everything. Sometimes, it is not meant to be understood, not even always possible to just forget. But it could be simply, accepted, because after all, whatever people around us may say, it’s our life and it’s our own happiness at stake. Worries they say are only the products of our wrong imagination. We shouldn't let our fear hold us back from pursuing our dreams. One must stop being afraid of what could go wrong, and start to think what could go right. There comes a time when our mind tells us one thing and our heart tells us another, then before we try to do anything, decide first whether we have a better heart, or a better mind. Does make sense, right?

    

Saturday, January 3, 2015

Farewell


November 25, 2014, it would be a day I would not forget, for it is when I experienced how earth fell upon my shoulders, as I walk my way to his remains, I couldn't speak a word, I could not let out any emotion, then my brother told me what happened, how he lost his battle for his life against the comatose state that the traitor stroke has caused him.

They left me for a moment, inside a small, white room with his dead body covered in white cloth. As I felt his warm body with my own hands, I fell apart, I gave into despair and it burst out uncontrollably. I hate it so much, I hate it that I know I’m crying not out of sadness, but of pure regret. I regret everything, I regret that I didn't get to spend the rest of his days properly. I regret that despite knowing we already feel no remorse against each other, pride has prevented us to show how we truly feel for each other, how much I wanted to give him back the good life he once had, how I wanted to be the good son to him, how I badly wanted to brag about my achievements and spill my sorrows and disappointments.. I hate myself for being unable to let him know how much I truly love him as my father, how thankful I was for everything that he has taught me, for my precious talent that I got from him, if not for it I won’t get to where I am now.

He has so much plans for us, and I feel so bad that we we’re unable to make it happen together, that we won’t get to experience it anymore with him.

Maybe this time, I could already tell myself that I've lived long enough. As the time has already come for me to experience the decease of someone close and important to me and to my family.
This is inevitable. No one knows why it would happen at a certain time. And at such moments, nothing’s more invaluable than the love, support and concerns that we received from our families and friends. It helps us heal and accept reality, for that I will always be grateful.

To my beloved father, we know you’re already at peace with the Lord. May you keep on watching over us through the years. I love you.